GenderLife Forum: The Information Exchange

The last two weeks, I have had to take it easy due to an accident involving a bit of plastic shrapnel from a dry ice bømb that ripped off a big chunck of skin off my side, just a few inches above my lowest rib. Had to take it easy for the skin to heal, and for new skin to fully heal and not retorn all the time. Actually, it's still healing. Actually, this rather painful event has proven to be rather significant. I have had to think. Really think.
After purging, giving in, purging, and giving in, several times in one day, one minute wearing a unisex shirt and a skirt I made from an old pair of jeans (they were ripped anyways) and loving it, then the next my mind is telling me I am weak, and a failure. I then think of the one question I have never been able to answer on a personal level. Why do I want to transition?
I have had much time to slow down and think it over. After reflecting on my life, and remembering I have wanted to be a girl since I could form any memories with thoughts. I have determined, the asnwer to "Why?" is one I will never come up with. It's thier in my mind, and if I knew just exactly why, chances are, I would have the human brain figured out.
The other thing I thought over. I feel I should be a woman, I have had dreams of becoming one for many years, and it is a goal of mine to become a physical woman one of these days, acting feminine in the way society views it, is something that would torment me if I had to live it. I could give up the power lifting, wrestling, and other male activities. I do secretly enjoy some more feminine activities, such as window shopping (especially at book stores.). But the typical views of women being prissy, scared of bugs, pink wearing (actually, the thought of me wearing any bright colors sends a slight panick in my mind, and a quick "hell no."), won't get muddy, needlessly wasting money on designer clothes, and other typical things, it just doesn't not appeal to me. Obviously, I would definitly have been a tomboy had I been born a girl. Or maybe transitioning will change some of those thoughts. (I do think some things I could get used to.)
But more importantly, after thinking deeper than I ever have, I reminded myself again, it never will go away. I can either go on to fight it, and continue in madness and inner turmoil, or I can give in, and obtain inner peace. Ironically, while I was pondering this earlier today, the cap on my bottle of Jones Soda said "Obtaining peace of mind is a most worthwhile goal."
Today, I have determined, I have lived in darkness for far too long. A darkness that will only build up a wall taller, thicker, and stronger than it already is. I have put others before myself all mylife, and it is time to put me first. It is time to break down the wall, and let light and happyness, if only on a personal level, into my life. I can now transition with confidence in myself. I have even came up with a name. Well, actually it was my dad when he was making fun of my long hair.
But one thing that is a relief, I can tell myself "I am a woman, and will become a physical woman soon." without mentaly kicking myself, remorse, or regret. Almost even ready to come out on a forum (more of a community-type forum, everyone knows eachother, and sometimes thier business, and some members have even met eachother.) I have been a member of for over a year, and one of my best friends does get on it occasionally.

Fear not about the weak afraid of bugs stereotypes.

I am totally unmistakably female and am not even particularly strong but have become quite the rugged tomboy. Since my transition I got into backpacking and made a grueling +2000 mile trip and right now am on the crew of a big traditional sailing ship complete with climbing up into the rigging to wrestle with sails and the like. It seems like I've done even more after transition than before. And I've had no lack of female company doing it!

Women can do or be anything they want.

LOL my gf has to kill bugs for me

Welcome to a more peaceful state of mind called acceptance. It took me over 50 years to get there. My experiences were, I'm sure, shared by you and yet we have never met. The more experienced friends on this site will be of great assistance to you. I will make the journey along with you at least in the cyber world.

Sounds like you had quite the breakthrough.

I wouldn't worry about having to like pink or whatever, your tastes may change or they may not. I think the important thing is to try putting yourself first for a while and stay true to your heart. Just be you and let whatever surfaces surface -would be my advice, not that you asked for any.

Coming to this realization, this 'meeting of the minds' (because there most definitely are two), and finally deciding to face all of those fears and obstacles that held you back before, is kind of that oasis we all can visualize, but wonder if we'll ever reach. It's a huge step within a life that seems to have this unending staircase going higher and higher. For some, this distinct realization comes early and for others can come later in life. For me, it came very early as a child, no doubt who I truly was within my young, confused mind. The only doubt, at least so far back then, was "How in God's name could I ever make it possible?" Today, it's rather easy to know all the 'hows' and 'possibilities', but the 'whys' can still be an internal problem each individual person must deal with. At times in my life I felt like a cross between Sybil (with too many personalities), Rosemary's Baby, and any beautiful female I saw on television, or in 'real' life. I say 'real' because I never thought my life was 'real' anyway, that I was just placed within some melodrama that had to end tragically. I sure as hell tried to make that 'reality' happen and thankfully failed. I think it's the mental torment we put ourselves through that is the big, bad villain we all must do battle with.

But coming to that 'realization' is something we all arrive at eventually. It feels good, like you have finally arrived at that oasis we all strive to arrive at. We still gaze through rippling air and wonder if it's real or make believe, imaginary cool water we can plunge into so we come out miraculously changed, and sandstorms that must be battled through no matter how much it stings. Lonewolf, you've come to that 'realization' and now starts another part of the journey.

As for some of the reasons you stated like: being prissy, wearing pink, afraid of bugs, windowshopping, needlessly spending money on designer clothing, getting muddy - gee, all those wonderful feminine activities **grin** ~~ Isn't it great? As for 'being prissy', I've known a number of women that are very strong mentally (and some physically) who would easily kick most men's asses, 'wearing pink' (it's a beautiful thing that women can wear anything they want from exquisite, designer fashions of any style or color, to overalls, baseball hats, and combat boots), 'afraid of bugs' (ugh * yuck * shiver * I was afraid of them before and I'm afraid of them now - sorry), 'getting muddy' (I'm not averse to getting muddy or dirty, but it's so nice to then slide into a nice, silky bubble bath and get all feminine again **sorry men, you'll just never know the feeling**), and all the beautiful, wonderful facets that come with being female. Are there negatives, deterrants, difficulties, problems with being a woman? Absolutely as you'll find out, but if the 'realization' you've arrived at is 'the final realization', then you warmly embrace all of those negatives because it's a life you welcome with open arms.

After being discharged from the Air Force in 1969 I spent two tortuous, bitter, lost years in which I battled the feelings I had lived with all my life, nearly ending tragically in 1972. It was that episode which made me come to my own personal 'realization'. Five years later my dreams became reality. I've never looked back for even one mili-second. If I have but one regret it's those embittered two years and that I might've realized my dream sooner rather than go through the self-imposed torment. However, we all come to that 'realization' in our own way, at our own time, under sometimes the craziest of circumstances. But when we finally get there, WOW, it is literally like the problems of the world have been lifted from our shoulders.

Lonewolf I wish you well because you may never be 'alone' again, though the possibilities of being a wolf are intriquing. Oh darn, that's another story. KerryM

Just be yourself, that's the best way to think.

One would think so eh.

You never, ever have to conform to what society expects of you, regardless of your sex, gender, orientation, etc. Always be you, and never compromise. Crush bugs under your combat boots, and throw dry ice bombs to your heart's content. I have never tried to push any aspects of my being into anywhere society expects them, and it's worked out great for me so far. In my humble opinion, trying to adopt mannerisms that aren't you are much more likely to get you outed.

Besides, there will always be people who tilt their head on an angle and whisper to their buddy "Is that a man!?/is that a woman!?", regardless of whether you're trans or not; for example, my 'cis'gender therapist told me she almost got her butt kicked by a guy for going into the ladies' bathroom.

Just be you, and remember: regardless of whether you transition physically or not, you *are* a woman. :]