GenderLife Forum: The Information Exchange

There was a book that made the news years back about how to marry a millionaire. The big thing about it was the advice to sleep on the wet spot.

PUSH the crosswalk button repeatedly, manically, to make the light change a bit faster.

COUNT all your pennies to pay the bus fare. Do it slowly, say loudly "ten, twenty..." and turn to the rest of the people on the bus from time to time with a smile.

PUKE in the potted plants in the restaurant. Servers and bus staff need to earn that tip.

SHOUT when you are in the library. Go there with your friends, stand in the stairs and tell jokes *very* loud. Also, laugh as hard as you can. That will cheer the people studying up.

STOP bathing for a week if you're going to take the bus. Then sit there, close the window, put on a sweater and smile.

WEAR a ton of perfume if you're going to the hospital. Your fragance is going to help the patients remember there is a nice world out there.

THROW your gramps or granny in a house for the elderly, after you get them to sign all their accounts to you, and then never visit them. Never, not even in Christmas, because you're not religious and Christmas is just another day, after all.

COMBINE Ritalin and Zoloft in the right amounts to raise the ideal child. If you hit the spot, they'll be too doped to be hyper and too doped to be depressed. They'll just sit there, watching TV forever.

JUMP in front of the line at the super, because it's your damn right. If anyone tells you to please go to the back of the line, pull some card (gender card, race card, poverty card, religion card, etc.) to shut them up.

LEAVE your clothes in the washer in the laundry room all day. That way they'll drain better. Also, leave them in the dryer another whole day, to use even the last of the heat. Don't worry, no one minds.

WHINE all the time to your friends. Call them on the phone to whine some more. People will love you.

PRETEND to like all people, even those you don't like. Smile at them showing all your teeth, closed. Don't worry, they're too dumb to notice.

That sounds more like a list of your pet peeves Marcella,no?

The only tip I can think of at this moment from frank zappa is...

Don't Eat That Yellow Snow!!

If it were my peeves, it would be 50 pages long. I just don't like humans.

ARRIVE ten minutes late to lecture a fifty minutes class. That will keep your students in suspense, and your final belated appearance will be greeted with cheers.

COMPLAIN about your ex at every chance. Make it a habit, it's agreeable when those around you know beforehand what the conversation will be about.

DISSEMINATE the news if you happen to know someone is a "transsexual." People will love the tidbit of information, and the TS person will be thrilled that they don't have to go around telling anyone, and everybody is already prepared to treat her as a freak.

PROSELITIZE your religion all the time. Tell people time and again to read your Holy Book, to believe in your prophet of choice and to come to your usual place of worship with you. That will convert them for sure.

SARCASM will always be appreciated by those who are suffering. Nothing lightens up a funeral like a good dose of it. "Gee, well, at least now you'll know where Ed will be spending his nights, eh?"

TALK in a whisper, so low no one can understand a word you say. That makes people interact with you more, for sure. Try the same on the phone. When you whisper, you pass. Honest.

PLAY your music loud all day if you live in an apartment building. Since you cannot hear anyone else playing music, it means they don't have a dang stereo, so just fire up your rap or metal and share your music with the whole frigging building.

f'nar f'nar

A BUCKET of water hung in a tree is an ideal nesting place for migrating seabirds.

KEEP a few dimes in your pyjama pocket in case you are abducted by by aliens during the night and need to 'phone home'.

DIVIDE the number of pages in a book by the price to see whether or not it represents good value for money. Compare different books before deciding which to buy.

AIR travellers, take full advantage of the baggage allowance by weighing your packed cases, and making them up to 44 lbs, by adding bricks or sandbags as ballast.

WHILST in bed, protect yourself from vampires and werewolfs by hiding under the covers! Works for me.

HOUSE moving companies, don't employ anyone with more than 4 brain cells, this will rock the boat.

STUDENTS, make dum-dum tomatoes by cutting an X across the top of them before throwing them at your local politician.

MANCHESTER united fans, support Germany in the next major football competition. They're whining dirty bastards too..and they usually win. (for nats)

SAILORS, eat polystyrene ceiling tiles for breakfast, instead of toast. This internal life jacket will save your life if your ship sinks.

PLANT a cotton bud upwards from the bottom of your goldfish bowl and HEY PRESTO! This will allow your goldfish to wipe it's arse.

IF you lose a game of pool in a bar..suddenly stumble away from the table as if drunk. This will make everyone think you lost cause you were drunk..and not cause your crap at pool.

More..

YOUNG SCAMPS, drop a ping-pong ball into public urinals and invite other toilet users to play 'piss tennis' by directing the ball backwards and forwards along the urinal with your wees.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

LADY porn stars, try having your hair cut shorter. A bob style perhaps. Then you'll not need to keep brushing it aside during "blow job" close ups.

NEWSPAPER Editors, using double underlines on your headlines will help further reinforce what you want your readers to think...

DOG OWNERS, next time your dog does a 'soft one' on the beach, annoy metal detector owners by dropping nuts and bolts into it and covering it with sand.

FAT Taxi Drivers, lose some weight by getting out of your cab and knocking on my front door instead of sitting on your arse in the cab, beeping your fucking horn at 3am so that the whole street now knows I am going on holiday.

FUNERAL guests. Check your dress code very carefully - 'sombre', whilst being a mere two letters from 'sombrero', is a world apart in tone.

GIRLS, next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

AVOID embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the same movement several times to make it look like a normal part of your behaviour.

LOST your slippers again? Simply take two large pitta breads and using a sharp pair of scissors; carefully cut a slit in the center of each pitta and hey presto! disposable moccason slippers.

MURDERERS, easily dispose of bodies by chopping them up, putting them in parcels and Fedexing them to yourself. You'll never see the f*ckers again.

AVOID petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

FILL your cart with 50 items and then ask the person in front of you with only one item if you can go ahead of her in line because you're in a hurry.

PLAY tennis with a friend on a public court with imaginary rackets and balls. This works particularly well if there is a waiting list for courts.

FOLLOW a parking meter cop and put coins in all the expired meters in front of them.

Tips to stave off loneliness (for those that live alone):

Buy one of those stupid virtual pets and don't feed it. The beeping as it dies in digital agony will fill those long empty silences.

Fix mirrors on all your windows. Wave vigorously every time you pass one.

Don't flush your toilet. This will give your home a 'lived in' look and smell.

Eat your dinner on two plates with two sets of utensils. Complain bitterly about it always being your turn to stack the dishwasher.

Get stupidly drunk, then hide essential things from yourself, such as your keys, credit card, toothbrush, etc. You'll laugh at your own cleverness when you can't find anything in the morning.

Leave the seat up and strategically pee on the floor around the toilet. Commiserate with that girl who is always hanging around your windows and bitch about how awful men are.

Smack yourself in the face and give yourself a black eye. This will give people the impression that while your boyfriend is an abusive asshole, at least you have one.

Steal pictures of people off the Internet, photoshop yourself standing beside them, then print them and frame them. Create longwinded, bullshit anecdotes to accompany each picture.

Save your earwax and collect hairs from your hairbrush, Eventually you'll have enough materials to be able to sculpt a fairly convincing, if sticky, cat.

Pour a cup of water in your bed each night. Have a tearful internal monologue about having to sleep in the wet patch AGAIN.