GenderLife Forum: The Information Exchange

Yea!

I am very happy for you! Not to sound trite but in my opinion coming out is one of the hardest parts of transition because it is often one of the first steps we take that others will know about. Best of luck to the both of you!

Great news for you I'm so happy for you and your girlfriend. I too know what it's like to have a supportive boyfriend, we both love the world out of each other beyond belief. Just keep being honest with each other and you will remain happy together.

This is a giant leap for your womanhood, Congratulations are in order. But be there for her as she is for you.

Well done!

I hate to rain on your picknick but the coming out to your significant other has only just started.

Usually when you come out to someone who is close to you they will enter a kind of honeymoon period where they are supportive. The problem is that even though they might have been super-supportive they can whip around to be very unsupportive.

This happened both with my mother and with my best friend. Both of them were very supportive when I first came out to them. After that, though, my mother became very hostile towards the whole thing after a couple months and my best friend and I didn't talk for a year.

I'm not trying to ruin your day or anything or telling you that she's automatically going to turn against you. What I'm trying to do is to caution you about being overconfident at this time. You have a lot left to work on in your relationship and you absolutely can not take anything for granted. Even if she says she's all gung-ho I strongly urge you to put on the breaks and take it slow until she's settled down with the idea.

If you really care about this relationship then you have to remember to work *with* your significant other rather than at your own pace. Believe me, I know how it feels to want to race ahead when you first come out but the fact of the matter is that chances are you significant other isn't ready to lunge ahead. Don't make the same mistakes that I made and take your time.

Hi LoneWolf. I am soooo happy for you. This is a long time coming for you. And you so totally deserve it.

Don't be put off by anyones doubt in the support system you have. Let your own intuition be your guide.

You've just taken a step toward being the real you!

Congratulations!!!

Way to go girlfriend! I remember the day I started coming out... I was terrified! Thankfully, everyone who was supportive STAYED that was, that was (hard to believe) FIVE years ago. Now that old life is so far behind me I couldn't go back even if I wanted to, which I don't!

I tend to think SamanthaD has a bit of a point, although I wouldn't say it like she did.

TheLoneWolf, when I came out to my Mom, the first thing she did was act a bit shocked, but she was supportive. A couple of months later, she became unsupportive, and compared my transition to the "sin" of having a child out of wedlock. Then, she became tolerant of my transition, neither supportive or unsupportive, but making sure I was included in family gatherings. In the past six months, she started using female pronouns to describe me.

These changes in my relationship with my Mom have been developing over five-and-a-half years. I look at it this way: I had a lifetime to get used to the idea that my sex and gender didn't match at birth, and she got only three months notice that I was going to transition. She's now had five-and-a-half years to get used to me being Autumn.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm concerned that you're mentioning you felt "high" when your SO gave a supportive response. My guess is that a day is coming when she asks you "Are you sure you want to do this?", or she refers to you with male pronouns a few times when you are presenting as female -- or some other such development. Will that be a reason for as much as an emotional low as her support was a reason for your emotional high?

I guess my comment is that I'd recommend a longer view perspective than the current moment to judge how your SO's and your relationship is going. Expect rough patches in your relationship with her (as well as with friends and family) will occur due to your transition. Whatever good or bad days you may have ahead, none of the days are going to be the "end of the world." Enjoy the highs, but expect some lows. Your transition isn't yours alone: Everyone who maintains a relationship with you -- SO, family member, or friend -- is in a sense transitioning with you.

Even with those who accept and embrace your transition may take awhile to fully absorb your transition as a permanent thing. And, they may go through some of their own transitioning process -- much as my Mom did -- with their feelings about your transition changing from day to day, or week to week, etc., for quite awhile.

So I guess my basic comment is this: If your SO's feelings seem to change in a few days -- and then change again in a few days again, and then again, and then again... -- well, don't sweat it too much. Even though she may end up being as supportive as she was in your conversation broaching the subject of transition, she may waiver a bit in her support before sticking to that full support. But even if she were to become fully unsupportive -- don't get too low...honest to goodness, the world won't end.

And, an added comment is that if you have a therapist involved in your transition, you might want to bring your SO in for at least one of your therapy sessions. Getting an outside look at your relationsip to possibly help your relationship from degrading wouldn't be a bad thing either. Heck, even getting a mutual friend you both respect involved in discussing relationsip issues in the same room as you both might not be a bad idea either.

TheLoneWolf,

What Autumn and I are trying to tell you is that your relationship will change a lot and it might not be in the positive direction. You need to be ready for it to change.

Right now you're looking at your relationship from the perspective of someone who has just come out to their lover. You can make this work out for the best, but to do that you need to see the relationship from her eyes.

So take a few steps back and try to see both perspectives. Ask one of her friends for help in getting to know what she's going through. Even better, seek couple's counseling if you can afford it. You need to start taking steps to preserve your relationship before things start going south.

Please, put your enthusiasm to become yourself to the side for a moment and try to work at her pace for a little while. It's a big change for her and right now you're pushing her too far, too fast.

We actually do care about you, I don't want to see you getting hurt.