GenderLife Forum: The Information Exchange

It just never gets old.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ARISTOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

BRITISH SYSTEM: You have two mad cows. You try to sell them in Europe.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CANADIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

NEO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. Then execute a debt-by-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

CAPITALISM, DUBAI STYLE: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years' time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention.

CAPITALISM, QATAR STYLE: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing, you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

COMMUNISM, CAMBODIAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

COMMUNISM, CHINESE STYLE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

COMMUNISM, CUBAN STYLE: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

COMMUNISM, SOVIET STYLE: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

DEMOCRACY, BRITISH STYLE: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

DEMOCRACY, REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

EGYPTIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. Both are voting for Moooooobarak!

EUROPEAN UNION: You have two goats. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes half of the milk.

INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

IRAQ SYSTEM: The British Government sends in a herd of 20 cows in a trial run to help a village outside Basra. The villagers are extremely grateful for the extra milk and the health of the children improves daily. A tërrorist group then kidnaps the cows and accuses them of being traitors to "the cause." The terrorists then produce signed confessions from the cows and systematically assassinates each one in front of Al Jazeera television cameras.

LEBANON SYSTEM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the government.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you, because you're a Jew.

PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other cows to milk.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

SOCIALISM, BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

SOCRATIC METHOD: How many cows do I have? Why?

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

THEOCRACY, SAUDI STYLE: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.

THEOCRACY, TALIBAN STYLE: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious symbols."

UNITED NATIONS: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

WIKIPEDIANISM: This cow is a heifer. You can help Wikipedia by milking it.

How does this have anything to do with transsexuals? Your post smells like stinky cow dung, but that's okay! I will make it smell like fresh hamburger meat with this!

TRANSSEXUALISM: Your cow wants to become a bull, and your bull has always known it was meant to be a cow.

It has nothing to do with government, but your title only said 'You have two cows'!

(But in all honestly I really found your list interesting.)

Yeah but you have one cow and one bull to begin with. And the same in the end.

The ambigender meaning of the word "cow" is a bastardization of the English language. Cu was only the female, not the male, gosh.

TRANNY FORUM MODERATIONISM: You have two cows. The first one posts long, depressing diatribes about how cow kind inevitably disappoints her and everyone else and demonstrates how petty and evil it truly is. The second one mercilessly stalks the first one's posts, repeatedly proselytizing that the first one need only seek the love of the Great Cow God. You vacation the second one and modify the forum software to hide their post counts.

Well you seem to not have left anyone out (or their government system)

What happens if you never have two cows to have them taken away? I've never lived on a farm. So no cows for me! Looks like I'll have to go to Safeway and Buy a Ribsteak for dinner?

A least the Maple leaf tainted meat thing is over for the moment? Did everyone have to hand over their cows to McDonalds?

Did you factor in the Vegetarian people? I'm guessing most Transsexuals are Meat eaters?

I have two ducks.

I have two pieces of cheese.

I think we all suspected this one.

73 Percent Of U.S. Livestock Show Signs Of Clinical Depression

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a joint study conducted by the FDA and the Department of Agriculture, nearly three out of four members of the U.S. livestock population show signs of clinical depression, with the vast majority of cases going untreated, government officials said Monday.

"The FDA is charged with the task of preventing potentially disastrous outbreaks of disease within the U.S. livestock population," said Henry Wolcott, Assistant Undersecretary of Agriculture, Psychiatric Division. "I'm afraid that, in this case, our intervention came too late. Our study shows that 73 percent of U.S. cattle, goats, sheep, and swine suffer from serious psychiatric problems."

Signs of clinical depression discovered by the researchers include severe listlessness, lack of motivation, and a flattening of emotional affect marked by glazed eyes and slow movements.

"Everyone is concerned about mad cow disease or the bird flu," Wolcott said. "What the average person fails to appreciate, however, is that mental disorders can be just as debilitating as physical ones. If you look into these animals' eyes, you can see the blank gaze of hopelessness and despair."

"It's tragic," Walcott added. "It's no kind of life, not for man or beast."

Walcott said that millions of animals across the nation wile away the hours unproductively, not moving until forced to do so by an outside factor, such as a farmhand or a milking machine.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30636

SOCIALISM, VENEZUELAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes one for bovine tax evasion. Then it takes the other one for public health programs. The program's director buys a Hummer and there's no milk.