GenderLife Forum: The Information Exchange

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what it's like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights & heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. It's not exactly the same, but it's real close.

You left out taking a laundry spray bottle and misting the INSIDE of the windshied from time to time. Then, if it's a convertible, periodically pour water on your lap to simulate the leak between the top and the windshield. It also helps the ambience if you wear eau de SAE 30 by Castrol to give the correct scent.

Oh yea, and if it's a hot summer day, place a space heater set on high right down by your feet.

I own a '76 Triumph Spitfire. Why do the English drink warm beer? Because they have Lucas refrigerators.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Oil Changing Instructions

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check for oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for jack stands.
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench.
8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.
10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on you.
11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a big splash.
15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
17. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 16.
18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.
20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket. Install oil filter.
21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there somewhere.
22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug (step 10).
23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain plug.
24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).
25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on the floor.
26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench.
28. Hit Miss December 1992 with wrench. Cuss additional 10 minutes.
29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.
31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up. Stuff old rag in hole.
32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one jack stand.
33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) to spill (step 22).
34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap and one quart of oil.
35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag (step 31).
36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil level on dipstick.
37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of oil and a filter wrench.
38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm on hot exhaust pipe.
39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in another quart of oil.
40. Ignore the oil trail made going to O'Reilly's while driving back home.
41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement. Stock up on beer while there since it's almost time for a spark plug change.

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 roll of toiletpaper
1 frozen dinner
1 can of pop
1 box of cereal
The woman behind the counter says, "so you are single huh?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?"
The woman replies, "no, because you are ugly."

So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

When the dumbest American moved to England the IQ level became higher in both countries.

A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a shit and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"