GenderLife Forum: The Information Exchange

A priest goes into a hotel and says 'I hope the porn channel is disabled.'

'No' says the receptionist, looking at him in disgust, 'it's the regular kind you sick bastard'.

wife was happy doing the ironing indoors and she started ironing her bra her husband says "what you ironing that for you have nothing to fill it with

the wife replies ....well i iron your underpants dont i

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary

wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how

she would like the body dressed. She points out that the

man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.



The widow, however, says that she always thought her

husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in

a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check

and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my

husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'



The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her

delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue

suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him

perfectly.



She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very

satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.

How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the

blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.



'There's no charge,' she says.



'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that

exquisite blue suit!' she says.



'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You

see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was

brought in sho rtly after you left yesterday, and he was

wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she

minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,

and she said it made no difference as long as he looked

nice.'



'So I just switched the heads.'

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'



The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay .'


About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'





No not really, sir... 'They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man. "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!" Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

TOP 15 PET PEEVES OF MORTICIANS

15) Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

14) No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

13) Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

12) Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

11) Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

10) Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

9) Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

8) Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

7) Toe tag paper cuts.

6) The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

5) Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

4) Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

3) At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

2) Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

1) Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

What is the difference between a pigeon, and a Wall Street investment banker?

The pigeon can still put a deposit down on a Ferrari.

dear jonathan ross

I shagged your daughter ...how do you feel now ?

Love

Gary Glitter