GenderLife Forum: The Information Exchange

It's been a rough 24 hours. The main problem is Lydia, my wife of 22 years. She lives four hours away. I see her for a three day weekend every other weekend. We were planning to go to a huge outdoor party next weekend but she has cold feet. She doesn't want me to come as Cami. Something about not wanting little old unassuming me to be the center of attention; not wanting her gay male friends, who will make up 99% of the attendees, to pity her; mock her; lose respect for her, etc. They adore her now but if they found out that she's married to a transwoman all bets are off, and word could even get back to her boss or co-workers, etc., etc. I'm glad to know that's how she feels so I won't go to the party and I am thinking that perhaps I won't make the trip at all. I have friends here in Harrisburg who accept me just as I am. But after nearly four years of waiting patiently for my wife and family to come to terms with me (which they say they are trying to do even though I expected rejection and never asked them to) I am beginning to see the reality of the situation. They can only accept me as I was, not as I am. It's not good or bad, there are no villains here, it just is the way it is.

You see, I don't have a lot going for me but at least I know who I am and I'm finally comfortable with myself, deeply flawed as I am. I was given a body and overall appearance that is as far from feminine as one can possibly be, yet I have made the best of it. A lifetime of being in the wrong body has left my psyche as tortured and twisted as an ancient cypress tree yet still I live on with a gentle and kind soul somehow intact. But I don't know how I can possibly survive another day, yet alone a week or a year, feeling as sad as I do at this moment.

Cami,
I completely understand how you feel.My family doesn't accept my transgender.But you have to do what you have to do.which is focus on becoming the beautiful woman that you know is inside bursting to come out.Being isolated from friends and family is so hard,but what I can't understand is,why transgender people are ridiculed and not accepted?Think of something that makes you happy and everything will be alright.
keep in touch,
Amber

Thanks Amber. I'll be fine. Just needed to vent to keep from exploding. Great to know that someone (you) cares and understands what I'm trying to convey.....Cami

If I was in your situation, here are some questions I'd ask myself.

Why would I want to come out to a lot of strangers, or friends, at a "huge" party that could be a disaster, and extremely rude to the host of the party – not to mention a spouse? This would certainly NOT be the way to get your wife and family to accept you. Frankly, your idea sounds a bit more like blackmail than a coming out: either your wife accepts you or you'll crash a party full of her friends and associates (or let her feel the pain).

All of the people I came out to were in 1 on 1 private meetings or lunches or in one case a letter to a very old and dear friend who lived in Alaska.

If your focus is your wife and family, I'd plan a different party and invite those people. The invitation should come from Cami. A Thanksgiving or Christmas get together is another possibility. Gosh, imagine a Philadelphia coming out party!

I guess I wasn't clear about the party. The hosts invited us together. The people at the party are supportive and all that but you never know who might show up. My wife just had cold feet about it, mainly because she was afraid I would not look passable enough. So I said, "fine, but I won't come at all if I can't come as myself." It was honest and expressed clearly. She thought about it and reconsidered. So now I am going.

But all of that being said, I can understand why one could possibly see me as a manipulative brat. I don't feel that way, though. I'm proud of my assertiveness.

Please don't think badly of yourself. I apologize that I read your post as someone anxiously looking for a way to make those close to you accept you (and maybe willing to push your point). I have met some desparate women who went too far, and didn't help themselves

There are lots of posts here about "passing". From them, and from my experience, truly being accepted as a woman begins when you stop trying to pass. That is, you KNOW who you are. Heck, I've seen a lot of women who didn't "pass" very well, but they knew they were woman, and with that attitude no one questioned them.

Buy a new outfit for the party, and enjoy yourself. Perhaps your wife would like to go shopping with you?

Thanks Diana. I ended up having a wonderful time at the party (and my wife did as well). It's funny but my fears of not being accepted never occur in real life. I have such positive experiences and my confidence seems to shine through, as many of my wife's friend's noted. I think people are attracted to the idea of someone being true to themself, despite the possible consequences. As for my appearance, I think I may be my own worst critic. Everyone seems to think I look and dress and present just fine.

I'm smiling for you.

What I've found is that once someone accepts you as a woman, they're not really interested in talking about your trans-ness, nor about your troubles as a trans person. They are most comfortable with, and want you to be, just another woman.

That is, of course, the next challenge - to be the best woman you can. It is something I struggle with constantly, and probably never will be done with it. But, along the way I stopped worrying about "passing", and "passing" becomes irrelevant.

Are you familiar with the paragraph from The Velveteen Rabbit about becoming Real? It's true!

What Diana said!

I love that line from The Velveteen Rabbit. I also love what you say about being just another woman. I have noticed that with my friends I talk less about trans-related things and more and more about everything else. And my non-trans (and trans as well come to think of it) friends seem to appreciate that. It's like I have crossed over some kind of threshold.

An Inspiring thread, thank you girls