I will start by saying that for personal privacy, and upcoming financial reasons, I will be leaving my real name anonymous for the moment. But you can call me Ael, which is short for Aelindal. It is the name that I hope to one day change my name to. I would also like to make perfectly clear immediately that I am in NO way discriminatory to anyone or their life choices, as I believe that we were all created, atleast spiritually, the way we were meant to be. Mother nature does not discriminate, and neither do I. So with that said, I will begin. I was born in the great state of Wisconsin in September of 1987 (making me a proud Virgo). I was a quiet baby, crying every once in a while, but in most cases content in just being. Throughout my childhood, I had always felt very feminine, even though I was too young to know what that feeling meant. Needless to say, I preferred things like the Easy Bake Oven and Barbies over the average boy's Action Figures and Cars. My parents most likely noticed, although they probably don't really remember, because like most parents from their generation, it was shrugged off as childish curiosity, and was dubbed irrelevant as far as what the future had in store. I remember walking down the street with my older brother in downtown Milwaukee one summer, and as young boys, we had our shirts off, because it was sweltering out. Well, we ended up passing a middle aged woman (probably in her mid to late 30s), and when she spotted us she immediately looked at me and screamed "A little girl should not be roaming around shirtless!" I cried for days about it, feeling confused because according to my genetic makeup, namely my penis, I was a boy, even though I felt like a girl. I have always had a pretty effeminate physique, even now as an adult man. After that incident, even to this day I am reluctant to take my shirt off in public, and it has nothing to do with the insecurities of obesity or anything similar, because I am in fairly good health and not overweight. Ever since I became educated on the difference between a male and a female (sex-education in the 5th grade), I started to have strong feelings that I was born on the wrong end of the gender spectrum. I felt like I was supposed to be a girl. I have always understood female emotions more than male ones, and have always found it easier to talk to girls than guys. Don't get me wrong, I do have 'guy' friends that obviously accept me as a guy, because that's what I currently am, but even now they all tease me about being effeminate, and I get called metro on a regular, although they do not know that I actually identify as a female on the inside. I have always consistently taken longer than any of my female lovers to get ready to go out, or even to hang out with friends. I'm extremely particular about my hygiene, having to always be clean, changing clothes 2-3 times a day, constantly cleaning my house and my vehicle. I don't like dirt under my finger nails, I don't like most of your average guy things like fishing, hunting, race cars, football, you know... GUY THINGS. I would much rather go shopping with my Mother. This is the truth. These things don't bother me though. As young as I was however, I passed it off as a "phase". I was positive that as I grew in to an adult man, I would lose that feeling that my shell was a lie. I'm not going to say that I didn't bury it so to speak for a few years. As I started to hit my early puberty years, and the testosterone started kicking in like wildfire, I started to have insane attractions to girls, just like any other normal boy would. So during the stages of puberty in my adolescence, this feeling of being a girl on the inside DID infact fade, or hide, however you want to say it. But the effeminate qualities that I possessed from the inside radiated out of me regardless of whether I was chasing after girls or not, and my peers in elementary and middle school terrorized me, calling me gay, faggot, you name it. At the age of 15, I started dating in what I considered my first serious relationship with a girl. This kind of got me off of the radar of the kids who had been tormenting me about possibly being gay, but I did actually like her alot. She was the first girl that had ever given me the time of day. I had had other childish relationships that lasted anywhere from a few hours to a few days here and there before this, but nothing notable. She was the first serious, long term relationship I experienced. However, both of us being young, we both naturally made a lot of decisions in our relationship that hurt each other (most details I will not include because of the irrelevance to the story). One of those decisions that I had made early on in the relationship due to confusion and further feelings that I felt like a female on the inside, is I lost my virginity to a gay friend of mine. Now I'm not going to say that I didn't enjoy the experience, because it was pleasurable to say the least, but I will go ahead and say that I do not consider myself to be homosexual. Maybe bisexual at the most. Let me explain this bit a little. I AM attracted to Men AND Women. I have had sexual experiences with both. But I don't crave a man's touch as I stand right now, another Man. I crave a man's touch as the woman that hides beneath my skin. Again, I have NOTHING at all against people who choose to be gay or lesbian, as I see all forms of love as one and the same. But when I fantasize about a man, I want to be a woman in his arms. And lately, that feeling has gotten to an extremely deafening pitch, my soul is crying out, and needs to be heard. I have had much experience dating women long term, my first relationship in high school that I mentioned above lasted a little under four years. I've had a couple short term ones in between. The relationship I am in right now, I am going on 6 years in, and once again, it's with a female. But even being with a female, this feeling nags at me, I feel like I'm living a lie. Living someone else's life, acting in a movie, EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's exhausting, and it's painful. I do love my current partner, she is amazing, and she loves me. But she has no idea about how I feel on the inside, it's something I've never had the courage to bring up. I don't want to lose her, and I feel as if that would happen in an instant if she found out. The feelings have gotten so strong recently, that I had to let it out to someone, anyone. So I finally gathered the courage to tell my Mother (my biological mother), who's reaction was definitely less than satisfactory, but to be expected; and my Mom (my biological grandmother, but also the woman who actually raised me as a child), who's reaction was surprisingly warm and supportive. My Mom said that she's known it all along, and told me that she supports any decision that I decide to make regarding this issue. That gives me alot of hope, but I need someone to talk to that knows how this feels. I really don't have very many people I can talk to about it. I live in an area of Southwest Florida that isn't very accepting of this "condition", if that's what you want to call it. Even my closest friends and family I feel are too ignorant and narrowminded to see the scope of this type of choice and what it could potentially lead to (i.e. True Happiness). Because that's what life's all about right? The Persuit Of Happiness? I envy the courage of all of the Transgendered, Transsexual, and Transvestite Men and Women ALL over the World that have been able to step forward and show their true colors, despite the criticism and horrifying things the ignorant masses say and do to them every day. They hold their heads high, because being true to ourselves is the ONLY way to find true happiness in the end. This I know has to be right. And in the interest of truth, I want to come out and say that I am positive I have GID. I have done my research on GID, the whole Transition phase from pre-beginning to post-op. I have researched many doctors that specialize in treating patients with GID, not limited to things such as Psychiatric Therapy, Electrolysis, HRT, FFS, and one day the the SRS (or GRS). Although I will say that I do not believe that GID is a "disorder", because I believe that our eternal souls are and always have been the way that they are right now. My soul just happened to get mixed up somewhere along the way in the birthing process. I have not been formally diagnosed with GID, but the more research I do on the WHOLE scope of transition (MtF), the more I know it's right. I've always felt like there was something missing in my life, constantly depressed no matter how good I had it. Getting self destructive when the confusion started to take over at random. Always looking for a feeling I could never find, at one point I thought I was looking for someone else, but later came to realize I had been looking for myself the whole time. This was a few months ago when I figured out I had GID in the technical sense, even though subconsciously I have known about this my whole life. I cannot enter formal treatment for this however, because I have recently joined military service, and plan to be shipping out to boot camp within the early months of 2012. And unfortunately, as I suspected, the military does not allow TS/TG/TVs to enlist, violating our rights as equal or maybe even better qualified human beings compared to Cisgendered Men and Women. But that is a whole different topic for another day. It will be roughly 3-4 years I am estimating before I would be able to actually begin psychiatric treatment for GID and start Electrolysis, HRT, and the like. This IS something I NEED in my life though. I am positive I am a woman on the inside. Something else I really need in my life would be some friends (online pen-pals, friends to vent and relate to) that understand these feelings and are going through similar things. I'm terrified, I feel alone, and I know I'm not the only one. So I shouldn't feel alone, but I do. I'm scared because I know atleast 90% if not more of the people I interact with on a daily basis would most likely immediately cast me out if they found out about my pending transition. I need a quick injection of some industrial strength courage or something. I do know that bravery is something I will develop over time during my transition, after all, the cowardly lion got courage in the end! =) If there is anyone out there that has a big enough heart to lend a spot to me, I can promise the friendship that I return would be equal to what is received. I like to think I'm a genuine person, everyone has their faults, and I'm no stranger to those. But I would die before EVER intentionally hurting someone's feelings, and I just love everybody. I am pretty easy to get along with, unless you live with me and my OCD gets the best of you. Lol. But please ladies, I know you're out there, and I know you feel the same way I do, I am a lady too, I'm just stuck underneath the rough skin of a man, and I desperately need some major support spreading the wings of the angel that lies beneath. I am more than willing, when the time comes of course (the end of my military enlistment), to bare the full weight of this decision, good and bad. I am fully aware of the criticism and torment I may or may not receive in the process, but I am also fully aware of the possibilities to meet truly rare and loving people that have the same feelings I do about themselves. I know that this process takes Courage, Commitment, Persistence, TIME, and most of all the ability to endure the WORST in people that don't and refuse to understand EVERY day for the REST of my life. I know that once the process begins, it is irreversable, and I am okay with this. I am aware of the prospect at possibly having a smaller pool to choose from in terms of a life partner during and/or after the transition (assuming that when the time comes, my current partner decides to leave me after finding out, which will most definitely shatter my heart, but would be completely understandable given the circumstances). And I am okay with this as well, as I would rather be alone and happy with myself for the rest of my life, than be with someone that may or may not love me, but be absolutely miserable on the inside for the rest of my life, only to eventually regret NOT making this decision later on. I am only 24 now, so the transition hopefully could start around the age of 27 or 28. I want to do this while I'm still generally young, as I do consider our 30s our prime, I would like to be well in to my transition by the time I'm in my mid 30s. So to any woman out there that would like to befriend a lonely, terrified girl, and possibly help her on her way to actually BECOMING a real woman, I would be honored to have such a friend. My heart is open to all of you ladies, and I hope to be welcomed as if I were one and the same. I thank anyone that has taken the time to even so much as read this. I know I jumped around alot in terms of what I was talking about, but there's so much to say, so much to feel, and my mind is going a million miles a minute.
Sincerely, and from the deepest reaches of my soul,
Aelindal
P.S. I know that it wasn't really necessary to basically tell my life story, but it made me feel ALOT better to do that. =)
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